


Recount the Night

by Moonrayne



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, F/M, Feels, Love, Reunited and It Feels So Good, Sexy Times
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-15
Updated: 2018-02-15
Packaged: 2019-03-18 16:59:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13685898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moonrayne/pseuds/Moonrayne
Summary: Stories of FemShep and Kaidan, told through 50 (mostly) randomly generated words over the course of the 3 games. Each one is less than 100 words and (hopefully) self-contained, but they all tell one story. Enjoy!





	Recount the Night

**Author's Note:**

> So this was a little writing challenge I set for myself because I've been in a bit of a writing slump recently. Each word inspired a short glance into the lives of this lovely couple, told in less than 100 words. These are NOT chronological (except for the very last one, because it felt strange to not have an ending) and they are told from either of their PoVs. The whole thing is mostly canon with a Colonist/War Hero Shepard. I hope you all enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.

**1\. Taste**  
One by one, she gathers the dog tags surrounding the frozen grave of the SSV Normandy. Pressly, Emerson, Rahman, Dubyansky, Tanaka and so many more -- too many. She does her best to ignore the taste of bile she’s barely keeping down.

 **2\. Tears**  
Doubt should not be in her vocabulary; she makes choices and lives with the consequences. She knows the choice she made is the right one, because the nausea that overtakes her when she thinks of the alternative is excruciating. But she’s alone in her quarters and the tears on her cheeks are an ode to a woman -- a friend -- who loved poetry and is gone too soon.

 **3\. Life**  
He knows that after everything they’ve been through, they should be easing into it -- getting to know each other again, taking it slowly. Instead, he ends up in her quarters and even though he tries to keep his hands to himself, it’s a sieve holding back a river. It is difficult to bemoan, because when he’s finally surrounded by her heat, he knows what it is to be alive.

 **4\. Jealousy**  
He is not distrustful by nature, but he has seen the way Dr. T'soni looks at Shepard -- there is more in her gaze than the curiosity for a subject of study. He keeps telling himself that he has no claim to her, no right to be jealous -- but they get so little personal time and if he’s honest, he’s afraid of losing her attentions to the Asari scientist.

 **5\. Wind**  
When he sees her _alive_ on Horizon, the first stupid thought that invades his mind is how lovely she looks with the wind in her hair. Then it dawns on him that her hair is shoulder length, and he yearns for the long red tresses that cascaded through his finger when she would release them from the characteristic bun at her crown. That’s his first clue that this is not his Shepard.

 **6\. Freedom**  
One hard-won week of shore leave; one blessedly wonderful and agonizingly short week to spend together, outside of the rules and regulations and bullshit. Despite still being half exhausted from the battle at the Citadel, they’d said they would go out like a normal couple, figure out what _this_ was. Somehow, they manage to spend their week of freedom almost entirely in bed -- or on the couch, in the shower, against many a wall. Since when had they been normal anyway?

 **7\. Kiss**  
Some nights, though rarely, her dreams were not of Reapers and Husks and death or of betrayal and pain and Cerberus. Sometimes, she could feel his lips on hers, his lips following the curve of her breast, his lips leaving wet, hungry kisses across her abdomen. Those nights, she remembered what she was fighting for.

 **8\. Touch**  
She frantically pulls her glove off, hands desperately searching his neck for a pulse. She finds it, thin and feeble, but it is there – under her fingertips. “Stay with me, Kaidan.” She pleads, her thumb scraping along his five o’clock shadow before rising to hoist him over her shoulders. It doesn’t even register that it’s the first time she’s touched his skin since before Alchera.

 **9\. Pain**  
He had never been less bothered at having a migraine in his life. It was almost worth the nausea and the sharp, persistent pain behind his eyes. Her hands massaged his scalp and pulled at his hair, fingers easing the ache his implant caused. All the while trying not to think about how inappropriate it was to have his face buried in her lap.

 **10\. Soft**  
Shepard was a weapon -- honed, sharp, and brutal -- or so he had been told. And though he agreed with this assessment of her as a soldier and now a Spectre, the woman underneath that veneer was so much more. What did they know of the soft smiles she gave him every time she passed his station?

 **11\. Name**  
It had always been Commander or ma’am, or even on occasion Shepard. Always respectful, if not entirely proper, even when they’d both felt for months that there was something growing between them. She completely unravels the first time he says her name in that delectably raspy voice of his that always sends a shiver through her spine.

 **12\. Comfort**  
Whiskey had never tasted so much like medicine, a bitter tea meant to soothe an unfathomable ache. She had bought it for him in the ridiculous hope that she would see him again. Now she had, and here she sat; seeking comfort in the bottle intended to be shared with him in celebration.

 **13\. Telephone**  
Teaching a krogan to whisper was no easy feat, but once Wrex mostly got the hang of it, hilarity ensued. Playing telephone with translators and booze proved to be a hilarious success. Until she leaned over to murmur the sentence into his ear, and he was certain his brain short circuited because there was no way her tongue had grazed his lobe.

 **14\. Forever**  
She is tucked into his shoulder, limbs tangled with his, one hand tracing patterns across the expanse of his chest -- she is satiated and spent. “I wish we could stay like this forever.” He mumbles into her hair, and all she can do is hum in agreement.

 **15\. Skill**  
She knows how to move on a battlefield; she has keen eyes, sharp instincts, and quick reflexes. She can disassemble and reassemble her rifle in less than two minutes, diffuse a bomb in even less time, and hack into anything she’s ever come across. A skill she’s learning she doesn’t have -- staying away from her Staff Lieutenant.

 **16\. Sex**  
Even after two years the thought of knowing someone so intimately again feels like betrayal. It wasn’t just the sex; really – because it had never been just sex with them -- it was so much _more_ that he’d shared with her. He is trying to piece his life back together, reminding himself to start slow and with little expectation. Because how can anyone ever compare to the memory of her.

 **17\. Happiness**  
It didn't matter that they'd sloughed through two weeks of paperwork and debriefings. It didn't matter that the Council and the Alliance were being willfully ignorant. Today - right now - the only thing that mattered was the pure joy on his face at waking up beside her.

 **18\. Death**  
She remembers the feeling of impending doom and the crushing agony in her chest. She remembers drifting through the stars while her memories drifted through her mind. What she doesn’t remember is actually dying. She’s not certain she would have believed it if Joker hadn’t been there, the guilt in his eyes was proof enough.

 **19\. Hands**  
Whoever these people are, they’ve done something to her; she knows because there is a tingling she’s never felt before -- like dark waves of energy trying to escape. She doesn’t know where she is or how she got here, but her hands remember how to hold a pistol and she is going to find some answers.

 **20\. Ears**  
He has to physically stop himself from guffawing when he sees her all but dragging Vega by the ear for who knows what reason. After the chuckles subside, the mist in his eyes has more to do with the fact that he would really like to see her as a mother one day.

 **21\. Potatoes**  
“That’s definitely on the list of things that I miss about home. I’m telling you Shepard, there is nothing like deliciously hot poutine. The fries and gravy and perfectly squeaky cheese curds are like sex in your mouth.” He felt his face grow hot as she laughed.

 **22\. Speed**  
He wonders if there is a unit of measurement for the speed at which a heart is won. He thinks that perhaps it starts slowly, honest words and noble actions, heard and seen; a foundation built toward something nameless. Until all at once the realization hits like a concussive shot to the chest and the only thing he can do is hope she doesn’t hear his hastening heartbeat.

 **23\. Rain**  
The ash fell around them like a gray, cloying rain -- giving the air an acrid stench that was discernible even through their helmets. They were _finally_ back on Earth -- and **everything** was on fire.

 **24\. Chocolate**  
She kept it like contraband, tiny morsels of dark chocolate that made her kisses taste like dessert. For a long time, Kaidan can’t bring himself to go near it; the ache in his chest at the thought is unbearable. Eventually, he takes up the habit too, keeping her memory with him in his own small way.

 **25\. Routine**  
Before every mission she recalibrates her omni-tool, feeds the fish, and takes a long look at the framed photo on her desk. Sometimes she simply tells him that she misses him or she loves him or that she hopes he’s okay -- other times she asks for his opinion and imagines how he would respond. It’s a routine that keeps her sane.

 **26\. Smile**  
She asked him to help her fine-tune her biotics, because the stars know that whatever raw power she might now have is useless if she can’t control it properly. She’s learned how to use a few skills in combat to be sure, but it’s precision control she’s working on. They’re sweaty and naked and sated when she says “I think these lessons are going well.” And she can feel his smile against her neck.

 **27\. Home**  
He’s on furlough in Canada and he’s staying with his parents, who are clearly worried about him. So he tries to put on a brave face, but every day is a battle against the crushing heartache he feels. The house he grew up in no longer feels like home. Home was the Normandy. Home was the crinkle around her green eyes when she gifted him a sweet smile. Home was her voice in his ear, and the taste of her skin, and the space between her thighs.

 **28\. Trust**  
“You of all people should know what I’m about, Kaidan. Please trust me.” She pleads, meeting his eyes to convey her sincerity. She knows it’ll be a long time before he really trusts her again -- if ever, but they need to work together and they don’t have time for suspicion to get in the way. The look he gives her says he understands, and her heart leaps a little when he responds “I do, I’m sorry.”

 **29\. Failure**  
She’s lost so much along the way -- her friends, her reputation, her beloved. Her life, the one Cerberus decided to rebuild, is a shell of what it once was. She didn’t choose this path, but she will follow it to its end. She will make it all mean something, even if it kills her. The Collectors will fall -- she will not fail.

 **30\. Politics**  
He’s never really liked politicians -- he’s a soldier and he likes things clear and honest. He’s more than just a soldier now, he’s a Spectre, and it’s fallen to him to protect the Council. What comes out of the elevator makes this far from clear and now he needs to make a choice. He knows her, he trusts her, he loves her -- she lowers her weapon first, and he knows what he needs to do.

 **31\. Intention**  
His goal had simply been to find camaraderie on a tense night -- they were risking everything in going to Ilos and doing what they thought was right. His intention had not been to seduce his CO, but here they were -- crashing into each other like waves, going against the current in more ways than one.

 **32\. Blood**  
Her crew means everything to her -- each and every one of them is exceptional. She doesn’t know where she would be without them, but she does know it wouldn’t be here. They may not be blood, but they are her family; tried and true and trustworthy.

 **33\. Lightning**  
When he asks “Do you trust me?” she doesn’t even have to think to give the affirmative. She didn’t know biotics could be used this way, but the lightning that rips through her is as intense and glorious as it is novel. When she cries out his name in euphoria, she’s certain she can feel her synapses firing.

 **34\. Technology**  
For a while, he doesn’t understand -- isn’t even sure he wants to know. Eventually his curiosity gets the better of him, because this is the woman he loves and he’s a technophile. He is fascinated and awed when they spend hours poring over the Lazarus Project files together. Mostly though, he’s just so grateful she’s **_there,_** that he spends half the time kissing her senseless.

 **35\. Weakness**  
Her thighs are slung over his broad shoulders and he’s doing things with his tongue that have made her mind go numb. When she shatters and all the tension ebbs away, she’s glad he’s strong enough to hold her up, because she’s fairly certain all her muscles have stopped working; she’s never felt so weak in her life.

 **36\. Accident**  
He usually has impeccable control -- he keeps his biotics and his mind honed and restrained. But there is something about her that makes him slip, tips him off balance. He’s accidentally told her she’s beautiful, twice. He expects to get told off, but instead she teases and encourages him -- tells him to relax -- so he tries. When the Normandy is grounded and he pulls her into his arms, it is definitely not an accident.

 **37\. Waves**  
At first he doesn’t believe Joker, doesn’t want to accept that she’s not in the escape pod. Then he’s seeing red and someone has to physically restrain him because he’s going to break Joker’s other arm and beat him to death with it. When he finally gets control of himself and apologizes – he has command now and he has keep them safe until the Alliance rescues them -- he starts praying to every god he’s ever heard of. The anguish comes at him in waves, but he needs to keep his head above water if they’re going to find her.

 **38\. Fear**  
She’s afraid of losing him and even more afraid of him losing her -- because he’s already done it once and isn’t that more than enough? She’s petrified that they won’t be able to get past all the hurt they’ve caused each other – the doubts, the misunderstandings, the miscommunications. She knows she should use that fear to spurn her into action – tell him she still loves him -- because the reward is more than worth the risks. But the fear makes the words stick in her throat until all she can say is “Kaidan.”

 **39.** **Gift**  
She makes a beeline for Huerta Memorial every time they land in the Citadel. Mostly he’s in and out of consciousness, but she sits with him regardless, unable to stop herself from holding his hand. She whispers all the things she’s left unsaid, all the things he deserves to hear, but she hasn’t had a chance to tell him. She buys him a bottle of good whiskey -- maybe this one she’ll actually give to him.

 **40\. Music**  
He wakes up to the sound of running water and a vaguely familiar melody coming from the shower. “I thought I asked you to wake me.” He jokes as he opens the door to a suds-covered Shepard, who stops humming in surprise. It only takes her a second to recover and she’s pulling him under the spray with her. The way she croons “Let me make it up to you, Major.” is music to his ears.

 **41\. Stars**  
He likes the starboard observation deck because it’s a good place to think, it is generally empty and quiet, and the view is spectacular. Right now, there is a universe full of glittering stars stretching out infinitely before him. The sight _should_ command his attention, but her lips are wrapped tight around him and his eyes refuse to leave hers until he dissolves into the ecstasy she’s offering.

 **42\. Savior**  
She is furious. They're lauding her as a hero while ignoring everything she’s trying to warn them about. No one is listening. Not the Alliance and not the Council - despite the Reaper carcass on their doorstep. She doesn't care to be anyone's savior; she just wants them to open their eyes.

 **43\. Excitement**  
She knows from day one that Kaidan Alenko is a great soldier. He’s good hard muscle and a straight shot, sure, but she can also see the leadership potential right away. He’s tenacious, confident, and intelligent – and those biotics of his are a thing of beauty. As a soldier, she’s proud to call him her lieutenant; as a woman, she’s aroused by his prowess. When he tells her he’s going to accept the Spectre position, she’s so excited she nearly forgets herself and kisses him.

 **44\. Hair**  
She attacks him with a cascade of crimson, covering his face so that he can no longer continue the report he’s been working on. He means to complain but he just laughs, because the curtain of her hair smells like mint and vanilla and she’s using it to give him a red moustache.

 **45\. Lake**  
If he squints a little, he can almost imagine being back in Vancouver, staring out over English Bay with a beer in his hand – he can even see her there with him, her hand entwined in his. Except that the statue they’re admiring makes his teeth tingle and the presidium lakes make for a poor imitation of the bay. Still, he’s standing shoulder to shoulder with her and she turns to give him a smile that makes hope bloom in his chest.

 **46\. Confusion**  
He sends her the message after some reflection – or perhaps it’s a moment of weakness. He was harsh on Horizon, and he meant what he said, but he didn’t fail to see the hurt in her eyes. And maybe he’s still angry – fuck, he’s angry – because she’s working for Cerberus and she’s alive and everything is a mess. He is livid, but mostly he’s confused because he still cares and how can he still love this woman after what she’s done.

 **47\. Policy**  
“That’s not standard issue, Shepard.” He says as he pulls the shirt over her head to reveal a lacy little thing that makes his pants tighter. “I suppose it isn’t. What is your disciplinary policy, Major? Are you going to confiscate it? I’m willing to cooperate.” She replies with a smirk, her hands making quick work of the clasp to hand over the offending piece of clothing.

 **48\. Passion**  
Her omni-tool is more advanced than any he’s ever seen before and he’s absolutely fascinated. Not just by the tool itself, but by its creator – because she didn’t mod the hell out of it like most enthusiasts, him included – she built the damn thing from scratch. He asks her about it, and her eyes light up with the eagerness to share her knowledge. He’s never met someone so passionate about tech, but he knows this is dangerous because he’s not just falling; he’s absolutely plummeting toward something he can’t have.

 **49\. Thanks**  
Her legs are in his lap; his hand is absentmindedly caressing them while he reads a report from one of his Spec Ops Biotics teams. She’s distracted from her own intel report by a sudden feeling of gratitude – she hasn’t felt this right in a long time. When he notices her staring, he hums in inquiry. “Thank you.” She tells him solemnly – though what she means is thank you for being you, for giving me strength, for loving me, for being here and letting me love you. He just smiles and pulls her in for a kiss.

 **50\. Conclusion**  
When it’s all said and done, she doesn’t regret a second of it. She played her part, did her best, and gave more than her all; who knew a dorky girl from Mindoir would come so far. She wishes – hopes, even – that there will be more. But if there isn’t, it has certainly been one hell of a journey.


End file.
